12 Years of Funny Stories

March 3, 2008 was my 12 year anniversary of selling cars. I've seen some funny things and I've seen some stupid things. I'm going to share a few of them with you.

I remember one time we were moving around the lot in Tennessee. One guy hopped in a new Silverado and gunned the motor to a very high RPM. Something blew and some fluid (transmission perhaps) started pouring out of the bottom. He looked at us (there were about 5 of us watching) and said, "I didn't do it!" The funny thing was--he was dead serious and I really think he thought he didn't do it!

I remember another time, it was raining slightly and I was walking with a woman and her daughter--about to show them a Chevy Tracker. I walk talking about the tracker and looking at them while we were walking. There was a truck parked with a trailer hitch sticking out. I didn't see it and absolutely smashed the soft part of my knee into the ball of the hitch and flipped over it into the muddy rainwater. Without missing a beat, I got up--eyes watering on the verge of crying--and kept talking about the tracker. To this day--I wonder what they thought of it!

I have 2 memories of people walking into the glass showroom wall. One time, there was a guy named Jim that I worked with. We had a glass room that we trained in. Someone bought catfish for all of us and Big Jim walked over to a box of it and opened it. "Boy--that sure looks like some good catfish!" he said as he walked off--smashing his 260 pound body into one of the glass walls. The entire room shook and I laughed my ass off as he shook the cobwebs out of his head.

The other time was when a customer of mine, we'll call him Bob, came in to look at some cars. Bob was around 70 years old and his son was with him. We used to park cars along the front of the dealership and our showroom was all glass. Someone sold one of the cars so there was an empty space. Bob looked at it and said, "Oh--I see you have it opened up." I was confused. Was he talking about the missing car? "Uh, yes," I said. Bob then went full blast and walked into the glass wall right were the car was missing and smashed into it. I had one of those laughing fits when you can't stop. I couldn't help it. I looked at Bob's son and said, "I'm sorry... I can't quit laughing!" Hey--you laugh when you watch America's Funniest Home Videos and when it happens live--it's just as funny.

There was a guy I worked with named Donnie. We called him Big Donnie and he was a monster--about 6'6" and about 300 pounds of muscle and beer gut. One day, Donnie was in the F&I office sitting with a customer. His big hairy arm was hanging out of the doorway and for some stupid reason, I decided to rip a big pinch of his arm-hair off. I grabbed a hunk and ripped it right off of his arm. Big Donnie didn't flinch and just turned to me. His eyes did the talking. He was gonna kill me. "Oh my God!" I thought to myself. "What the #@$%& was I thinking?"

All day, Big Donnie didn't say a word to me. I tried to stay away from him and made it a point to walk all around the dealership if I had to avoid him. He would just give me that look like he was going to rip my arm off and beat me to death with it. I was scared shitless. Finally, I went over to him and said, "Donnie--I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry..."

"Marv," he said, "I'm gonna kill you after work." He probably meant it!

"Donnie--please. I just lost it. Tell you what--it's about 90 degrees outside. What if I pull your keys for you? Will you let it go?"

Donnie was a big guy--heat really effected him. He looked outside and looked at me. "Pull my keys and give me that little phone book you have on your desk and I won't kill you." The phone book was one of those cheap yellow pages one they give away so I agreed. Needless to say, I'm still alive to write this blog so Big Donnie didn't kill me.

A couple more about Big Donnie. One time we were at a bar shooting some pool. Donnie was shooting and accidently backed into a guy shooting at another table. The guy turned around like a bad ass and looked up at Donnie--his face turned pale. He then turned to me and said, "I shouldn't mess with that guy--should I?"

"Uh, no." I answered.

I worked with a guy named Dan--a real funny, life loving little guy who didn't give a damn about anything in the world. He always giggled and just had fun. One time, we all went out to dinner (we hit our goal so the dealership took us to a place called Dale's Steak House--maybe you heard of the steak sauce? Best steak in the world!) Dan was a little buzzed (well, a lot) and everyone went to a bar afterwards. Dan was bouncing around trying to dance and bumped into a guy. The guy turned to Dan and yelled, "You got a problem?" Dan giggled and turned to Donnie. "Donnie--this guy thinks I have a problem." Big Donnie turned to the guy and said, "He ain't got no problem!" The guy agreed.

One more Big Donnie story. I used to play cards every wednesday with the guy who blew the trans and Big Donnie. I make it a point to never drink when I play poker. Big Donnie had been drinking all night and kept winning this certain game we kept playing. I said, "Donnie--if you win that game again, I'm gonna kick your ass." I was joking just for the record. Big Donnie turned to me--drunken sweat pouring from his face--and poked me in the chest with his huge finger. "Hoss," he said, "I'm gonna hold you to that."

"Oh shit," I thought to myself. Once again, what was I thinking? Well, Big Donnie was very drunk so I just assumed he would forget about it. He actually won that game again and didn't say anything to me about it--or my challenge. Thank God! The game went on for about an hour longer and ended. Donnie said, "I gotta hit the can. When I get out, I'm gonna kick your ass." Oh Shit!

"Donnie--I was just kidding," I pleaded.

"You better be here when I get out," he snarled at me. I nodded my head weakly as the bathroom door closed behind him. As soon as I heard the lock click into place, I ran for the door. My demo was about 25 feet away. I fumbled with my keys and I ran towards it. I had the sinking sensation in my ass that it was about to be kicked clear over my shoulders. Just like in the movies, the keys kept fumbling in my fingers and I tried to find the right one to open the door (my demo didn't have remote keyless entry.) I finally found the right one and scratched the hell out of the paint around the keyhole as my shaking hands tried to put the key in the hole. FInally! It unlocked and I hopped in the car. I quickly started it, put it in reverse and gunned it, squealing the tires and I hauled ass out of there. I got away! The next day--Donnie didn't say a word to me. He never did since then. Phew!

It's getting late and I have to sell cars tomorrow so enough bed time stories tonight.

If you liked any of these stories, please buy a copy of my Car Sales Assistant 2008 software! Thanks in advance.

Marv

p.s. Respond with your funny stories! We'd love to hear them.